Yes, this is the first time I’ve apologized for something I’ve written. Let me explain. Years ago, when I was seriously exploring the whole writing thing, I read that one should just jump in whether there is any water in the pool or not. So, one of the pieces I put together was just that—a brain drain of whatever words found their way onto the page. So, here…sorry again…it is, unadulterated:
A Monstrous Matter
Police in the small hamlet of Wearing Down in southern New Hampshire were stunned no end as they labored to get clues for the overnight disappearance of the town beach. The audacity and magnitude of the crime was exceeded only by the aftermath of the act: devastation and startling revelations in the muddy bottom lands where the beach once lay.
Frank and Irma Pettinggrass, longtime residents in Wearing Down, said they heard nothing during the night that would have raised their suspicions. The Pettinggrasses' dog Alfalfa was also missing and presumed stolen. The Pettinggrasses' home is 300 yards from the scene of the crime.
Police estimate that it would have taken an entire convoy of 2-ton dump trucks along with a squadron of five bulldozers to remove the estimated 70,000 cubic yards of beachfront. The only thing remaining is a stretch of oozing muck ¼ mile long from near the Pettingrasses' home to the band gazebo at the south end of this popular weekend retreat. "How could this have happened in front of our noses and no one notice?" chief Outaclues remarked. The chief told of the siting of a barge about a mile off shore yesterday afternoon. But reports are that this was a known vessel working to dredge a new channel in the Wearing Down shipping lane so that the supertankers from China can bring in their shipments equivalent to twenty-five Walmart stores.
When police questioned the Pettinggrasses further Irma realized that Frank wasn't even home that evening after all. Irma had forgotten that he had made a visit to his brother Lucifer in nearby Falling Down. Irma and Frank are both being summoned to compose affidavits. Mr. Pettinggrass has worked in heavy industry in the area and owns several rock quarries and concrete plants. Records show that he was subpoenaed last March to appear before the local constable to answer to alleged acts at a Christmas tree farm. The charges relate to the cutting down of ½ acre of trees claiming he had an overwhelming ringing in his ear that caused him to recognize a calling of a spiritual nature leading to the rampage.
Charges were dismissed at Frank's court trial when it was discovered that the sitting judge had not in fact ever passed his bar exam. The Sixth Court has a running ad for his replacement in the Wearing Down Daily Fish Wrap.
The only things swimming at this point at the site of the beach were investigators' heads. And they had plenty on their minds. They had arrived at 10 AM following reports that a great gurgling sound was coming from a then newly mined cove.
Waves were reaching some 30 yards further inland this morning. At low tide, around 3:30 that afternoon, astonishing discoveries were made in the soggy remnants of the once-pristine beach. Two stolen cars, half submerged, protruded like torpedoed whales. These were determined to be identical to a pair of 1950 deSotos once owned by Erika Hardbody. When told of the discovery, Erika beamed, "Oh I just knew they would show up some day."
In addition, other items included the remains of some very large pre-historic bird- like fish and a couple of vinyl recordings of Elvis Presley's first songs recorded in the back of a girlfriend’s pickup truck. And, sadly, other remains appeared to be Frank Pettinggrass' step sister Olive and Frank's mother-in- law, Ruthless.
The bizarre nature of this incident has attracted attention throughout the globe. President Trump, having declared this a possible terrorist act, raised the terror alert to the color Fuschia. Authorities say it will take months, years, or perhaps decades to find the missing beach and the perpetrators of this bold stunt. It is rumored that Frank Pettinggrass has hired a local attorney firm, Hookem, Tryem, and Fryem—just in case.
Vieille Eglise XIIC, Bonnieux, France 2003, my sketch with enhanced color
Oh, and a very happy holiday season to all!
